Cap’n Crunch

I heard this rumor that they’re taking Cap’n Crunch cereal off the market. “Who are these fiends taking away that delicious sweetened oat from my daily routine?” one might ask. I, as well, find this reality a very cruel and unusual one.


Sure, Cap’n Crunch is the most painful cereal on the market. It rips up the top of your mouth similar to the results of a cheese grater. So much sugar exudes from it while in milk that the spoon is left with a film, not to mention your teeth.


But it builds character.


All they would have to do is put it into a smoother shape so it doesn’t feel like you’re eating a wood chipper.


But would it taste the same? No, because you wouldn’t have that faint hint of blood to go along with that diabetes-flavored goodness.


So I suppose it’s best this way. Leave us with fond memories of our favorite blood thirsty cereal, rather than try to sell us some cheap knock-off. It’s best to quit cold turkey, anyway, right?


Cap’n Crunch: Making Vampires Out Of Your Children For Decades


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