Egg-Whites in America

If I ever own a restaurant, I will never serve egg-white omelettes without first getting a signed statement from the customer promising they don’t care what it looks like.

Then I could become famous for my terrible egg-white omelettes. I can see it now: a segment on Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. It would be a miserable day or so of him treating me like shit (rumors are he’s a horrible human being) but it might be worth being on TV. My fifteen <units> of fame. Ya know, for the restaurant’s sake. And then, people would come from all over the country to see just how badly I’ll fuck up their omelette. (It is rather comical compared to how nice my regular omelettes are. I believe it’s just in the DNA of egg-whites. They aren’t meant to be fried separately.)

Of course owning a restaurant might be one of the least lucrative ways to make money. In the end, I can’t imagine blue-collar fame would lead to the fortune of blue-collar dreams. That kind of fame fizzles slowly, long after people forget about you.

I can imagine the tragic downfall: after making that many horrible egg-white omelettes, I would eventually get good at it, completely by accident. Things are busy in the kitchen, and without thinking, I put it on their plate and send it out. Even the server wouldn’t notice until it was too late: a perfect storm. Then, scandal. Maybe not at first. The customer would complain in a jovial way. There might even be a local news story about it. At first it would seem like a positive evolution, even, but quickly we would realize our claim to fame had been damaged beyond repair.

“Mostly Terrible but Sometimes Perfectly Normal Egg-White Omelettes” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Not long after the incident, someone, somewhere on the internet would call us frauds. We would see the numbers go down: slowly at first, then more quickly. The regulars would whisper in the corners about how annoying the tourists were and how good it is to have the place back. But really, they’re just being nice.

Because in America, we pay top dollar to be inconvenienced in the way of our choosing. And curse anyone who dares to make a really beautiful egg-white omelette.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *