I wrote this earlier in the year when I was struggling with a very toxic work environment right about the time _why sent out his latest communications. Just thought I’d share a bit of insight into my brain and its stream of consciousness ramblings…
It’s weird meeting people who almost immediately know you better than you know yourself. Lately I’ve been being given a plethora of information about myself: who I am, what certain ailments of mine say about me, what it all means in terms of my overall well being. Things I knew but didn’t really know. Except it all seems so foreign, like it’s being spoken to me in a different language that I don’t understand. And also I read _why’s latest… Whatever that is. Contributions. Manifesto? No. Goodbye letter? Not exactly. Explanation? Sort of. Anyway I’m not sure if it’s just getting mixed up in my recent self discoveries or if it is really speaking to me as well, but I feel like on some level, I completely understand what he’s saying. Except the part of my brain that understands is a part I haven’t accessed for a very long time. Foreign. Different language. Not French– I know French fairly well.
Maybe this part of my brain holds a part of me I locked away for some reason. Maybe I’m afraid of what it holds. Maybe I’m afraid it will mean I will feel compelled to change everything about my life right now. Maybe I only feel that way because that’s what _why did. I would only be afraid of that because I have absolutely no idea where I’d go next.
Really by “everything about my life” I pretty much just mean my career. It’s the only thing that I’ve been unhappy with lately. I guess that’s why I get it.
I feel like something is calling me from afar off. I just don’t know what it is. I recognize the call but not the caller. There’s definitely a sense of hope, excitement, and curiosity. I don’t fear it so much as I just don’t know where it is.
There’s a part of me I thought died a long time ago. And I think it has returned.